Slingshots are for LOSERS. Goliath is going to make Philistines great again. David is going down, big-time.
If Jocasta weren’t my mother, perhaps I’d be dating her.
They say Homer wrote heroic epics. I like poets who aren’t blind.
Stonehenge, what a dump. Half the bluestones are just lying there. My temple will line up with the Sun every day, not just on the Solstice.
Moses parting the Red Sea. Fake News! Pharaoh’s army drained it to build the Suez Canal, and made the Israelites pay for it.
Jesus should release his real birth certificate. He was from Nazareth, not Bethlehem. And who’s the father?
Attila says very nice things about me. Having a good relationship with the Huns is a good thing, not a bad thing.
Offa wants to keep Mercia on the silver standard. My pennies will be gold. You can bite them and see. Or just bite me.
All those barons protesting for me to sign the Magna Carta need to get over it. I got 100% of the votes to be King. Sad.
The concept of the Black Death was created by and for the Chinese in order to make medieval European manufacturing non-competitive.
David got schlonged with that fake statue by Michelangelo. Look at his hands, big like mine, but such a tiny…whatever.
The only card Queen Elizabeth has is the Woman Card. If Queen Elizabeth were a man, I bet she wouldn’t sink 5% of my Armada.
John Winthrop can keep his city on a hill. We’re going to drain some swamp land in Florida and make an amazing golf course.
Thomas Jefferson said some very unkind things about me. You know, it really doesn’t matter what those rebels write, so long as they have a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.
Thomas Paine is very overrated. We’re gonna get rid of Common Sense and replace it with something terrific.
The 3/5 Compromise was a terrible deal. I would have made a much better one, 1/5 at least, right? I’d compromise it, bigly.
Catherine wasn’t so great. A lightweight, very low-energy. Not my type at all.
Louis XVI should totally appoint Robespierre his Real Estates-General. Trust me, I made billions that way.
The Louisiana Purchase never should have been negotiated. We get the worst of everything. I’m putting Napoleon on notice.
From now on it's America First. No Catholics, no Irish need apply. Know Nothings. I love the uneducated.
Roger B. Taney, great guy. That Dred Scott decision was major, super-classy.
You know why Pickett charged? He had good credit. And he got a nice tax write-off when he went bankrupt. Smart.
The Black Hills are a disaster, so much crime, folks. You’re living in poverty, your schools are no good. If Sitting Bull can’t deal with it, I’m sending in the 7th Cavalry. What have you got to lose?
Water closets, disgusting. Thomas Crapper is a moron. You’ll never find one of those in my hotels, that I can tell you.
The Titanic, beautiful ship, very classy. Unsinkable. Bad Hombres in steerage, though. This much I know.
I like unrestricted submarine warfare. I like it a lot. I don’t think it’s tough enough. You’ve got to fight fire with fire.
Helium is a JOKE. Number 2 on the Periodic Table. Hydrogen is Number 1. The Hindenburg will have the best element, believe me.
If Neville Chamberlain can't bring peace to Europe, nobody can. He’s going to be very, very strong on Hitler.
We shall fight on the beaches. Terrible brand. They were cheering in Jersey over Dunkirk, folks. Unbelievable.
Penicillin. Some very smart people say it’s just mold. Disgusting. I’m very germaphobic.
NATO isn’t paying its share to maintain the Iron Curtain. We’re gonna build a wall, a beautiful wall around West Berlin.
We should definitely go to war in Viet Nam. I don't know what will happen, but it will be interesting.